Is This How Nixon Felt?
My boss asked me to draft a formal letter of resignation. Now it’s setting in. The stark reality and the blutness of it all was definitely felt when I told my co-workers and my boss in person and up until now, there has been a feeling of, “I can always take it back.” But now, this is for real – in black and white I am clearly stating that I am walking away from six years here.
What’s difficult is that this is exactly what I’ve wanted for a while and I can think of a few key moments in the last two years where I came an inch away from just walking out right on the spot. And as my wanting to leave has increased, I am now met with a profound sense of loss and sadness; like I’m walking out on a family.
But, “take care of yourself and inevitably you will take care of others” is one of our mantras around here. And that’s pretty much the long and the short of it.
2 Comments:
Oh shit, Mark, where the F do I start...
I had no idea it was THIS bad. I had some clue as to how you felt about the whole situation, I never in a million years thought that Mark Konold would be having panic attacks, mainly brought on by the bullshit job he though of as his security blanket.
My brother from another mother, we have discussed so many things with each other, and I feel you're really one of very few people I can be myself with, someone who won't criticize me or try to impose their beliefs on me, bullshit me or trick me, in any way, shape or form. That's why I feel I can be frank with you now.
WAY TO F'N GO, MAN!!! I have been waiting for you to say these words (I'm resigning) for the last, how long have we known each other? 3 years is it now? You haven't been totally happy, challenged, and really appreciated in that whole time. You do a good job of hiding it from other people, but you're my brother, and I love you, I know when you're not a happy camper.
This place has taken too much away from your natural humor, sensitivity, and just plain humanescence (is that even a word? it is now, cuz I got it like that) that you are not the same person I met over 3 years ago. I read your entries here, and I have read all of them at least twice, and I must say, Kudos to you for even being alive still. Anyone else would've collapsed a LOOOOOOONG time ago. But that's you. That's the Mark Konold I know. Or at least I thought I knew. I have panic attacks. For shit's sake, I am supporting another person in my house besides myself, I'm the only one with a halfway half decent pay, and I'm behind in bills. The thought of foreclosure haunts me every day while I'm work, wondering if someone is going to call me on the direct line on my desk to tell my that we have been thrown out and that I'm going into foreclosure hell, and every nite while I'm trying to clear my mind, and try to get at least 3 hours of good sleep, that very thought creeps into my head. What if my credit is soooo bad (and it is buddy, believe that) that I won't be able to refinance before February of next year and I'll be stuck in a 7 year arm where my mortgage company can jack me around any which way they like? Those are just a couple of issues I have that kill me softly every day. I have panic attacks, I do. I don't tell anyone, and I try to convince myself that they are not real, that I'm just freaking out and like always, having a negative outlook instead of a positive one.
And what do I do?
I have a beer, smoke a cigarette, and say to myself, "Nothing I do right now will change anything tomorrow, so relax, calm down, and take a jog around the block, AS FAST AS YOU CAN. We'll worry about the bad stuff tomorrow."
I think that's what Webster's Dictionary defines as the P word.
PROCRASTINATION.
Oh well, one issue for another, I always say. I hope to hear your thoughts on my comments. Not trying to fix you, just help you understand you're certainly not alone in this world.
Love,
Annie Bananie
Humanescence - It's a word now! I like it too. Great to know I'm not alone... I had a feeling I wasn't. More comments to come, Annie. Offline, of course.
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