The Second Circle of Hell

I arrived at work today and realized that today was going to be the day I would drop the bomb on my other co-workers and my boss, the woman who hired me and to whom I’ve had to ultimately answer for the last six years. The stakes are higher, I’m playing with the big boys now.

I did not arrive at my desk until just before noon due to some tasks I had to run for the job in other offices. The first item of business now that I’m at my office: Lunch. And as we are whisked in to a cab to go to lunch, I wind up alone with my boss’ boss; the big man, the regional director. He wants to talk about the job; how I feel about it; what I think my strengths are; whether I’m more of a career man or a job man. Why Lord!? Why?

Lunch was a rather prolonged experience, especially because I was back in that space of harboring something pretty substantial and it once again made me acutely aware on many levels. Suddenly a nugget of information was dropped: Cut backs are coming and someone in the region will be let go over the next few weeks. I wavered back and forth if I should drop this honey of a newsbreak right in the middle of the conversation or just wait. Besides, if I quit, someone (and I’m not sure who) won’t have the agony of being fired and finding a job. But then again, maybe that’s just what that person will need. Hell, I don’t know.
And as I walked with my supervisor (who already knows my secret) and my boss back to the office (the rest jumped in a cab) I heavily pondered, “Is Now the perfect time?” I held off, knowing that it would read on my boss’ face like a stamp once we were back to the office and it would make things overly uncomfortable.

Which brings us to now. The big man is gone and there is a break in the action of the day. My supervisor calls me and our other co-worker in to his office where my boss is buried in her laptop. I close the door and remain standing while they sit.

“I’m resigning.”

The reaction was less than favorable and I go to great lengths to explain myself and ensure them it is a move that has nothing to do with them. Damn this is not easy and I hate myself for doing it because of the havoc I am wreaking, but it’s a necessary evil. The details that ensued are not important right now. They revolve around discussing the terms of leaving, extending health benefits as long as possible, collecting bonuses, staving off the whole cutback/just-don’t-replace-him issue, etc.

Bottom line: I’m building momentum; my arms are swinging and my feet are that much closer to launching off the cliff and into the air. My heart is pounding like it has in the past when I kissed a girl for the first time.

I need to take steps like this more often.