God's Calling An Audible...

For those of you who don’t know me too well, I’m a fairly organized and structured person. Of course that’s like saying Bill Gates is pretty well off. I am über organized – my spreadsheets have spreadsheets and my shirts are grouped by color in my closet.

But it wasn’t always this way. There was a time when I carried not an ounce of organization or responsibility. It was called college and the years immediately thereafter, but that’s neither here nor there.

The point is, using the metaphor of a pendulum; I was swung out to the far right side of my brain and somewhere around the age of 25 the pendulum began falling and moving toward an extreme left brain position. When I first moved to Chicago in June of ’98 I had developed a lifestyle that comprised having no security, no plan, a ton of credit card debt, no job and hardly a place to live, but I was certain that everything would work out. Six years ago something changed and since then I have methodically developed the capacity of being more grounded, disciplined, structured and strategic.

So here I am, a reasonably good Catholic in the middle of Lent and not quite sure why my yearly self-denial feels too easy, lacks a substantial stretch and feels more like a nuisance than a chance to grow spiritually. What I have discovered is that indulgence and cutting myself some slack frightens me. I equate it with the fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants years and do not want to lose the maturity and grounding I’ve crafted day in and day out. Yet that is where the stretch is for me now. This adventure I’ve started revolves around my passions and it’s hard to get in touch with that heart-centered place when so much is dictated by the brain. That pendulum needs to hover more around the center; it has spent too much time in the extremes.

So I’m giving up denial for Lent. My spiritual growth lies in having fun, not planning and indulging myself. Who knew the key to finding passion is not in a book or personal growth activity? It simply exists in having that extra piece of chocolate cake.