Sometimes Nothing Is the Hardest Thing To Do...

In the time that I’ve been here I have been itching to get to Jamaica. I’ve been talking about it for so long that I just want it to happen already. I want to be of use; I want to be put to work. I want to contribute to something larger than myself.

I was telling all of this to my mother the other day as we were headed out shopping and I could tell from the look on her face that my choice of words did not convey in the gentlest of ways what I really meant. I have a feeling it was the use of the sentence, “I want to get the hell out of here so I can go do what I’ve said I’m going to do.”

Just call me Mr. Smooth.

With my foot firmly removed from my mouth I went on to redeem myself (I think) but it was not until later that evening that I came to an important conclusion; that my impending adventure will unfold in time and perhaps right now I am just meant to rest and work on something substantial nonetheless: myself.

Shortly after my gaffe about getting ‘the hell out of here’ my mom said to me, “Son, you look a lot better than when you got here. When I picked you up at the airport you looked tired and worn out; you really looked beat up. Now, you look like you’re doing a lot better. I think this rest is the perfect thing for you.” Interesting observation.

Later that same day I was on the phone with a friend sharing what I have been up to for the last couple of weeks and he responded, “Well, man, you deserve it. Live it up. Considering how things have gone for you lately, you have it coming to you. I think it’s just what you need.” What a coincidental second opinion, eh?

Finally I was talking well into the night with my brother-in-law and as we kicked around holiday plans and other family matters he inquired about how I was doing personally and how I feel now that I have had some time away from Chicago. I told him how great it has been to re-discover cable television, to sleep late and to workout every morning and that I’m chomping at the bit to get out of here. As a man whose job has had him continuously away from his home for repeatedly long periods of time, he shared with me how much of a difference a little down time in between assignments would have made in his life. “This ain’t a sprint, it’s a marathon, son,” he said. “This is exactly what you need if you are going to do this new job well.”

One time is an accident. Twice is a trend. Three times is evidence.

To what does the evidence point? Am I that unwilling to take time for myself and do things for the betterment of no one else but me? Is it that difficult for me to put my own well being on par with the importance of the projects I undertake? Yes! And surely imbedded in there is some sort of bassackward pattern that keeps me from just accepting the fact that good things can come my way. More probable is its not-so-subtle indicator of my penchant for associating my value and self worth with what I accomplish; the old human being vs. human doing slogan.

All of this rings too familiar a bell with respect to feedback I have received from outside sources, most of all it strikes an oddly familiar tone with respect to the hand analysis sessions I had just over a year ago. One of the biggest things I have to learn to do is spend more time being self-focused (not to be confused with selfish or self-centered). And it’s true. The very thought of it gets me jittery and twitchy and I cannot sit still which is indicative of it being an important thing to for me to learn.

And I get that. I am willing to try and make better use of this time as rest and replenishment, to let others take care of me and ‘be instead of do’. But I must be honest: had my parents not asked me to re-paint my dad’s office, I would be on the verge of madness.