Gee-tar

A couple of weeks ago I left you all with a parting shot to try something you have always wanted to. And it really would not be fair to offer you that invitation without jumping in and accepting it myself so I did. I signed up for guitar lessons.

I have wanted to know how to play a guitar since I was a kid and at any time in my life I could have told you with whom I wanted to play. At 12 it was Guns N’ Roses. At 16 it was Alice In Chains. At 21 it was Muddy Waters and John Lee Hooker and it would still be them if they hadn’t died. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at them. I understand that these things happen. It just means I have had to find a new idol.

My first class was this morning and it was very basic. 3 chords and a song – D, G, A7 and “Bucket’s of Tears” by Bob Dylan. They don’t mess around at the Old Town School of Folk Music. They do it right. And when the lesson is over, there is a chance to apply everything you just learned with folks who are learning the same instrument, but who are all at varying degrees of skill. So there I was, me and my three chords, trying to keep up with people who were playing as if their lives depended on it – and I was completely welcome and encouraged to participate fully the entire time.

I almost cannot describe how much fun I am having with this. I have been playing these damn chords all day, the fingertips of my left hand are killing me and my neighbors probably suspect I’ve gone loony thinking I’m Bob Dylan. I don’t care. This is so much fun; I can’t stand it and cannot believe I waited until the age of 30 to do this.

Anybody wanna hear a D chord?

Steve Jobs

Once again, something has crossed my path with a “what should I do with my life” bent and its timing is either serendipitous or synchronistic. I’ve always been unclear about the meaning of those two words. But that is neither here nor there. And if you’ve been keeping up on this blog, you’ll understand why it moved me.

Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple and Pixar, gave the commencement address to the graduation class at Stanford University earlier this year. It made the rounds both on the web and in print so you may have seen it by now. If you have not yet seen it, please click here and read it now. It may be one of the most important things you do for yourself today.

Lo, It Shall Come To Pass

It’s no secret I am somewhat of a spiritual man. And so while I navigate this transition, I have been prone to seeking the divine and as all good Catholics do, I turn to the proverbial good book for a fair amount of solace and nuggets of reflection, if not for some plain ‘ol answers.

As of late, many of the readings I come across, be them the daily ones or the ones picked for Mass, contain themes of vocation, calling, and life purpose, at least that’s how it seems to me.

For example, take a Sunday reading from August 7th:

At the mountain of God, Horeb,
Elijah came to a cave where he took shelter.
Then the LORD said to him,
"Go outside and stand on the mountain before the LORD;
the LORD will be passing by."
A strong and heavy wind was rending the mountains
and crushing rocks before the LORD--
but the LORD was not in the wind.
After the wind there was an earthquake--
but the LORD was not in the earthquake.
After the earthquake there was fire--
but the LORD was not in the fire.
After the fire there was a tiny whispering sound.
When he heard this,
Elijah hid his face in his cloak
and went and stood at the entrance of the cave.

I’m not so presumptuous as to think God picked that weekend and that reading explicitly for Me, but hey, anything’s possible, right? However, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find some hope in it. The biggest reflection I took from it was to be attentive to the tiny, easily dismissible and often overlooked whisper that ultimately leads to a right choice. Incidentally, in retrospect that tiny whisper turns out to be something that has been right in front of me all along.

You see, I’m a Big Sign person. I look the parting of the heavens, the choir of angels and the stranger who walks by and gives an exact answer to the silent yet all consuming question lodged in my head. I seek the bright neon sign addressed to me saying “Do this” or “Do that;” kind of like the Fenway scene in Field of Dreams where Ray and Terence see Moonlight Graham’s stats on the board when no one else does and they know they must travel to Minnesota to find him.
But it’s not that easy, is it? In fact, even if that did happen, I would easily dismiss it as a result of stress, anxiety or the weather. So I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, apparently.

Anybody out there an angel or some form of supernatural being sent to tell me something? If you are, now would be a good time to tell me.

A Week Later

I have been out here for a week and so far it feels amazing to be actively in pursuit of a more fulfilled life. As I’ve said before, finding fulfillment does not necessarily mean quitting your job, but for me it does and I’m cool with that. And to have actually made the leap has helped to alleviate some of the fear, stress and anxiety of it all. Now I just have to deal with it.

When I mention to people that I’ve quit, they usually respond by saying, “Congratulations,” like I’ve just had a child or something. It throws me for a loop every time. Those who are a good 20 to 30 years older than me are especially enthused. They often mention how much they embraced the ideas of “do, accomplish, earn and keep” at the expense of living more fully. So maybe I’m doing something right. Only time will tell.

I miss my friends at work. It is amazing how a day-in day-out routine blinds us to the fact that we, as humans, are sharing time and space together in the workplace. We subtly become involved in each other’s lives and stories, but much of that is put on the back burner and not looked at until it’s time to part ways. Human emotion is squelched and we are encouraged to disengage emotionally from each other for fear of lawsuits and code violations. Screw that. Give your friend and co-worker a hug; or at least some word of appreciation, validation and encouragement.

And please don’t do it in an e-mail.

Lastly, let me put a myth to rest: I Do Not Have A Lot More Free Time!

I cannot stress this enough. Every voice mail and e-mail I receive contains the phrase, “… now that you have all this free time on your hands.” I am just as busy as I was before, mainly because I was simultaneously juggling other projects outside of work. The difference now is having the 8:30 to 5:00 time frame with which to deal with them; which they have gladly infiltrated.

Not every day is jam packed mind you. There have been one or two days where I have had time to read, exercise, post on this site and nap. And the days that begin by taking Mojo to the dog beach for an hour are especially nice. But there are still things to do in regards to the aforementioned projects and one of the hardest things I am adapting to is creating a structure within which to work on them when said structure is not automatically provided.

The weekend is upon us. Enjoy it. Do something you might not normally do that you really want to do. Let me know how it goes.

Adios.

Surrender and Response

I met with my spiritual director today for the first time since May. For those of you asking, “What in the world is a spiritual director,” it is simply a priest with whom I meet regularly to discuss what is going on in my life from a spiritual perspective. Let’s face it; even though we are bombarded with messages telling us not to be concerned with anything outside the radius of our own personal space, there is a higher connectedness in life that we will never fully understand.

And whatever you want to call that higher power is fine with me. Hell, you may think there is no higher power and that this is all a crap shoot. Beautiful. It just so happens that I recognize a power much grander than little ‘ol me and I choose to call it God. Don’t hate the playah, hate the game. On with the story.

During one of our talks a few months back, I confided in this priest how scared I was about making this decision and he asked me if I had ever chosen to look at this as an adventure, a journey that I get to take. Needless to say, that changed a lot of views for me.

So, when we met again after a two month hiatus, I was happy to say that I am now on this adventure and really enjoying it despite the everyday fear that creeps in and tries to shake me. And while we kicked around the idea of discerning a greater calling in life and striking a balance between all of life’s aspects, we came to the idea of Surrender and Response.

Simply put, Surrender and Response is about striking a balance between getting quiet and doing something. The first part deals with us turning ourselves over to that higher power and taps our inner voice to help us know what feels in tune with our inner desire of living a full life. The second part deals with us actively seeking those answers in the world around us by talking with others, getting involved in our passions and doing what we can to ensure we pull our weight.

I am great at the response part of things. I broadcast to the world that I am lost and searching. I am proud of my current wandering even to the point of spilling it out for the world to read. And I am a sucker for all of the self-assessment, skills tests, and every similar manor of inquiry I find on the internet. Just check out the ‘Tweak Your Life’ links on the sidebar. I am comfortable with response. One might even assert that writing about this is a response.

Growth for me occurs in the surrender; in the not-doing. And given my penchant for scheduling way more than one person should do on any given day, I think it is fair to say I am horrible at it. I find it difficult to sit still in this sensory-overload age of cell phones, instant messaging, e-mail and Blackberries. The idea of getting away from it all seems as extinct as the dinosaurs. But surrender is necessary; vital even.

I am trying to get more comfortable with surrender. My spiritual director even invited me to take a 3 day rest from my usual intake of information. “No internet, no phone, no articles, nothing,” he said. “Just take three days, a notebook and a pen and write anything and everything that comes to mind. Doesn’t matter the topic, doesn’t matter the length or quality. Just put it out there instead of always taking in.”

Good Lord. He might as well have asked for world peace. But I am going to give it a shot once this play is over, which will be the end of August. Three days, me, a pen and a notebook.

Riiiight.

Potential

An excerpt from "The 8th Habit - From Effectiveness to Greatness" by Stephen R. Covey:

"Many in positions of authority do not see the true worth and potential of their people and do not possess a complete, accurate understanding of human nature, they manage people as they do things. This lack of understanding also prevents them from tapping into the highest motivations, talents and genius of people. What happens when you treat people like things today? It insults and alienates them, depersonalizes work, and creates low-trust, unionized litigious cultures."

I am really digging this book and as I go along, the author invites the reader to teach to others what they are currently learning in the book. I have a feeling I may do that here on this site as I move through the chapters.

But do yourself a favor and read the book for yourself. It's pretty damn amazing.

Trade Offs

Life can be a host of trade offs. It is very easy to be in a situation and say,

“Wow, I wish I was in your place.”
“That must be a nice problem to have.”
“I am jealous of your situation.”

Sometimes it’s said off-the-cuff and with no degree of reality. But sometimes, when it is said that way, what is lost is an attempt to know what it is truly like to have walked a mile in the shoes of the other.

Recently I was talking with a friend of mine who has a substantial inheritance in his coffers that helps keep him afloat when his work with the needy of the world does not; which is practically every day. About this adventure of mine I said to him, “I freak out sometimes when it comes to the money issue and that’s really about it, not about a loss of identity or being unemployed. I just need help paying for this. If I woke up with your money in my account tomorrow, I might rest a little easier.”

“Don’t be so sure,” he responded. “That money and everything that comes with it gives me the same anxiety you wrote about on your blog.”

Nice problem to have, right? Don’t be so sure.

If I did wake up this morning with a boat-load of money to fall back on, would I be willing and able to take on all of the responsibility that goes along with it? Would I really want to learn everything that goes along with investments, bank accounts, taxes, etc., etc.? I honestly do not know and probably never will, and that’s fine because I do have my situation, my problems, my solutions, my life.

Mikey posted today about wishing he could be in my shoes and I am utterly flattered that someone would want to be in this position. But be careful what you wish for, my friend. You just might get it – It, and all the stress, anxiety, pressure, doubt, fear and worry that goes hand in hand with this freedom, joy, independence, excitement, calm, never-ending smile, limitless potential and sleeping in. (That last one is especially nice)

It’s all about trade offs. I have traded a comfort zone for bags of fear and risk. I have traded a daily routine for a blank slate. I have traded a position of relative affluence in one circle for a position of I-Don’t-Know in the world. I have traded a retirement fund, health benefits expense accounts for a Do-It-Yourself life.

Effectively, I have just rolled the dice at the craps table, raked in a lot of money, pressed all my bets and just let the dice fly one more time. They are suspended in the air, moving in painfully slow motion.

Due to the craziness of my situation, my last day of going to work was yesterday. They were very flexible and understanding while I handled the death in my family and so as to not screw them over, I spent some time this week getting my ducks in a row. The day, and my career there, was capped off with a blowout dinner at an amazing restaurant and it allowed for closure to my situation. I did not have that last week because I had to dart out the door early to get to rehearsal and I knew I was coming back for part of this week anyway.

But now it’s for real. I came home last night and knew I didn’t have to have my alarm set this morning. I went to bed with polarized feelings of sadness and excitement, but I did not sleep well. I tossed and turned for six of the eight hours I was asleep. Internally I am learning to deal with the change.

But this morning the air smells a bit sweeter and the coffee tastes a little fuller. At times, I don’t know what to do with myself or what to do next. So I read more of my book to pass the time.

It’s all about trade offs, my friends.

Get Busy Livin', Or Get Busy Dyin'

Note: At my job, I created and maintained a web site of centralized information and made the homepage somewhat of a verbal canvas. Here is the parting shot I left them with.

That's one of my most favorite lines from The Shawshank Redemption. If you've never seen it, do yourself a favor this weekend and get familiar with it and it's messages.

It's time for this caged bird to fly. Not that being 'caged' at my company was necessarily a bad thing. I have had the honor to spend six years working with a team that was highly supportive, very fun, understanding almost to a fault, and most of all, good company to spend one's time with.

But all good things must come to an end, eh? And so it is for me. My co-workers have been a part of my life, in one way or another, during these formative years. Many of them have seen me transition from a fresh college graduate, to a late-twenties idealist to a homeowner and now a man at the threshold of his 30's ready to find out what life has in store for him now the he's grown up. I have no idea what lies ahead.

But that's the whole idea.

Comfort zones are a funny thing. As humans we naturally gravitate toward them, their security, their familiarity, their safety. And if we aren't careful, we forget to push the boundaries of those comfort zones; we lose track of the importance of stretching ourselves; we forget that we are designed to adapt. Risk is a great element of life. It makes us feel alive and brings into very sharp focus the idea that our lease on life is short. Almost too short.

The First Day Of The Rest of My Life

I had more than a few people ask my on Saturday, "So, how does it feel?"

“Honestly, it’s Saturday and I would have been off anyway so I really don’t know yet. Ask me on Monday.”

Now it’s Monday and I am semi-freaking out. First, let me tell you how good it feels to Not wake up earlier than God, go through a morning ritual and pack on to an El train. Let me also say how good it feels to have my alarm clock be my dog, Mojo, and not NPR on my clock radio.

But I am awake at a slightly early time due to a twinge of anxiety. I did the whole, Oh-My-God-I’ve-Overslept moment when Mojo came in, and then remembered that I have nothing to oversleep today. The anxiety kind of kicked in from there but it’s getting better. However, I could not go back to sleep and felt the best therapy in the moment was to write.

A number of people have either e-mailed me or come up to me and let me know that my decision is one that they admire, applaud and want to emulate in their own lives. Many of them are considering leaving their jobs and finding out what they want to do and looking to put their foot in the ass of a dreaded job. Great. Go for it. By all means, I can use all the support I can get.

But please, for the love of God, do not do this without some serious consideration. This has not been an overnight decision, nor am I ‘just winging it’ (as much as I would like people to believe I am.) This has been a most calculated decision and I do it because the only person for whom I am ultimately responsible is myself. I have said this before, I have no wife, no kids – no other living thing depends on my ability to generate income. What’s more, I have a good support system in place should I fall on financially hard times.

Don’t worry mom and dad, it’s not you.

This little experiment isn’t necessarily a battle cry for the working class to cut the ties to their desks, rise up and walk out. Many people who read this love their job and are excited about it before their head is off the pillow. I envy them.

This is simply a corner of support for those who want to find more fulfillment in life. It just so happens that for me, I have chosen the aforementioned drastic route, but for others, it may be something like taking that piano class they have always wanted to take.

What is it you have always wanted to do but have never made room for because it did not seem important at the time? What has taken a back seat to overtime, extraneous commitments and television? (That last one is quite possibly the biggest life-snatcher of them all)

Those things that could always wait are the most important things in your life because something about them stirs something inside of you. And I would wager that exploring them will lead to finding a fullness of life, fun and maybe even a little happiness.

For me, that first thing is guitar lessons. I have wanted to learn since I was a child and have gone long enough without knowing how to play.

What’s yours? Click on the word “Comments” below and let us all know what it is you want to dive in to but have always put on the back burner?

Go on. Time's a-wastin'.