Hand Analysis - Part II

My second meeting with the hand analyst was just as revealing as the first and I now have even more to chew on than I did before. Probably the biggest piece of information I’m grappling with is that I have been given the gifts of a healer. That’s not to say that I will lay my hands on you and cure whatever ails you, but rather that in my willingness to be vulnerable, I inspire others to help themselves which is ultimately healing. What I’ve found is that this really only happens when I am not trying to do it.

Of course to get to this ability, I first must heal myself and that appears to be no easy task.

“What possible healing am I in need of,” you ask?

It seems I have a tendency to be “other” focused to a harmful degree. I need to pull back on the reins when it comes to that and make room for myself. Now that sounds relatively easy except for the fact that it flies directly in the face of every message I’ve received in my 30 years around service, sacrifice, doing for others and not being selfish. Apparently this has resulted in an inadvertent wound of keeping me from becoming my full self and while I would have never considered being “other” focused harmful, apparently it can be just that.

Isn’t this stuff neat? I’m serous – check this lady out!

Changing Course

A month ago the prospect of working for a non-profit organization crossed my path. As I wrote then, it seemed a little freaky that an opportunity to do exactly what I was looking for right at the time when I took a risk and made myself available and open to it. Once I came back from the glorious Pacific Northwest, I was called in to meet the Executive Director of the organization and interview for the job. Two days ago it was offered to me and I just got off the phone telling them I accept.

I don’t know if I have accurately conveyed to you how scared I am about this. I am effectively jumping out of the most comfortable and convenient area for work, computer and technology, and jumping into something about which I know very, very little, non-profit and community outreach.

And while on paper this looks like a complete career change (which it is), internally it feels like my personal compass needle just tooka big swing towards true North. It had been heading due South in my last job (which is not a slight towards my co-workers and friends but rather to the straight jacketing of my situation) and the ship needed a serious correction. I’ve spun the wheel pretty damn hard and now she’s coming around and my change in course is more cemented. Until now, I was still using my knowledge and skill with computers to sustain myself. Now, there is no going back – well at least there isn’t once I start on November 1^st.

A lot of what is going tends to be a blur and I’m doing my best to be fully present and soak in everything I’m feeling but sometimes I can’t help but laugh at the magic that seems to be at work behind the scenes.

Hand Analysis - An Update

I had my first session with the hand analyst tonight and it is really freaky how much this woman could tell about me without us ever having met. Granted, much of what she had to say was not a surprise. They were truths and other ugly things about me that I have known, on some level, and have skirted around because, well, it was just too damn hard to do anything about them. But it never hurts to hear these things from someone that can’t even pick me out of a lineup, right? So my best bet is to face the music.

I’m not going to go into too much detail of what she told me mainly because that is for me and her and I don’t want to possibly skew any of you who may be interested in this for yourself. What I will tell you is that I have four major fears in life to work through:

1 – That asking for what I need in any given moment will lead to chaos.
2 – That stating how I am feeling will lead to some degree of annihilation.
3 – That taking the time to ask for what I want will result in my looking stupid.
4 – That stating what I need or want will elicit a bad reaction.

Pretty cut and dry, huh? Those four things are the 800 pound gorillas in my path that I must do something about in order to find my greatest fulfillment.

Some of you may be thinking, “Hell, screw what anyone thinks about you and get what you want and need and just say how you feel no matter what.” I wish it were that easy for me and I am on my way to doing something about it. Already I can feel a difference in my approach to life and it’s only been a week.

Again, without getting too detailed in to my conversations with Roberta, I will tell you that this latest experience and connection with something much larger than me is hitting at the right time. And as scary as it is, I feel the more open I am to facing my monumental fear of failure, the more profound the impact of my recent spiritual encounters.

I still have two sessions with the hand analyst and I must pour over our first conversation before we talk again in a few weeks. The hardest thing for me right now is to not try and figure out how this, the possible community center position and the rest of my life are all connected. I’m looking forward; trying to connect the dots before they’ve had a chance to fall into place. I need to stop that and just let it unfold.