Warrior Poet...

Not too long ago I was at coffee with a friend and she asked me, “Mark, how can you be so comfortable just putting all of this stuff out there for the world to read? I mean, I’ve started a blog of my own which is simply a Word document I keep to myself. There is no way I could just put it out there.”

The best I could offer in that moment was my realization that I share the common thread of the human existence so I know I am not the only one having these experiences. I just choose to write about them as a way of processing them out of my system and coming to a (hopefully) expanded circle of awareness in this life.

Then I began to wonder what would be a risk for me to put out there? What would be vulnerable, scary and really shake the fear monster? What would leave me afraid of people’s feedback, judgment and opinion? I had to sit with it for a while but the answer found me and looked me dead in the eye. It always does and I hate when that happens.

This weekend I staffed another initial weekend of The Mankind Project (herein referred to as MKP) and had the great pleasure of meeting Ron, an amazing human being, stand up guy and a well of creativity. Through a series of exercises I came to learn that Ron highly values his creativity and has a penchant for poetry; a long lost art that when mentioned, typically draws a skewed look, a raised eyebrow and the ensuing question, “You mean like, Shakespeare?”

My take on poetry: As long as it is an expression from the soul, not much else matters. It doesn’t have to rhyme, doesn’t have to make immediate sense. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be more than a couple of lines. Just express it any way you can and then let the world know about it.

Ay there’s the rub.

Yes, I have dabbled in poetry before if you include the requisite Haiku of elementary school and a few sonnets inspired by my literature classes of high school and college. Outside of that, I have never fancied myself a ‘good’ poet and therefore had no business considering any poem of mine a ‘real’ poem. I was not about to come up with anything as liberating as Yeats, as brilliant as the Bard himself, and as visceral and awakening as Bukowski and I have let that old message stand in the way. So, with a great opportunity in my midst, I put myself out there and publicly announced to the group, “I am a writer or many things, including poetry.”

Yikes. You ever have one of those moments where you wish you could reach into the air in front of you, grab the words you just spoke, stuff them back into your mouth and hope nobody heard them? This was one of those moments. Grandiosity at it’s finest, I tell you. But it was too late. Ron later pulled me aside and proposed that we write a poem together over the course of the weekend. And with that, the fear monster was fully awakened and chuckling at me as if to say, “Let’s see you tackle this, big guy.”

My collaboration with Ron comprised the passing of a notebook back and forth, he and I writing a new line after every handoff. Slowly, over the course of 24 hours, we crafted a great poem, a bond was formed and my acquaintance with poetry was revived. Does that mean I have moved past my fear of ridicule and am willing to publish such things here?

No.

In this moment they are written for me
But all things change
And so thus will not always be

Thank you, Ron.

I Love It When A Plan Comes Together Pt. II...

In April I wrote about the joy I felt over the fruition of a two and a half month plan for CDB’s involvement in a city-wide arts festival. Many of my strengths were tapped and I was working with people who were in positions that played to strengths. We had a long range goal comprising a slew of aspects and angles and working together we experienced success.

I know that I want to continue working in that kind of capacity, a project manager of sorts leading a team of people towards a distant goal and in the process, using the various talents I know I have. Oh, and I want to do it within an organization about which I am passionate. I really don’t think I’m asking for too much here.

And apparently the Almighty does not either; unless this is some cruel trick. I recently proposed to MKP Chicago that I would like to work in a development type of capacity – fund raising, enrollment, marketing, involvement, financial stability, etc. – and would take up the task of grant writing with the intention of those grants covering my salary.

Just writing it feels grandiose. I have been with this organization for a mere year and a half. Who am I to step in and do something like this? And then I remember the over-quoted poem by Marianne Williamson:

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Why note quote it again? It’s true. And with that in mind I proposed my idea and as God would have it, there is already someone in the community who has come up with a plan to do everything I was proposing and more. His employer specializes in this type of non-profit advancement and the knowledge he brings to the table is incredible. I was encouraged to meet with him, exchange ideas and determine if collaboration was a good fit and it is. I try not to question the ways in which the Universe provides and just accept it but that’s a tall order for someone who loves analysis.

The possibility of this coming to fruition is very likely but due to the way grants work and the timing right now, it probably won’t start until next year. I have a lot of fears around this and they are all ego based and come down to the same bottom line: fear of failure in a public way in a large community of which I am a part.